I'm an outsider by choice, she said, but I'm hoping that won't be my choice forever.

sometimes i am uncomfortable with where i have come. it feels odd to say that, as though i'm ungrateful for the blessings that have befallen me in the last few years, but that's not really what it is. its just that, this wasn't how it was supposed to go.

i was never someone people looked up to with respect, or feared. i was never someone that everyone wanted to know or befriend. i was never the person who could give someone a boost in the ladder of society. now it seems i've become all of those and i don't really know how it happened.

i mean, i guess i do. i made one choice, which led to someone choosing me, and nothing has been the same since. do i regret making that choice or resent the person who chose me? no. it isn't really that. i suppose at any point i could have said 'i'm done' and turned around, but i didn't.

i have perhaps seen more success than most students on campus, and while i value it, i also question it. was this what i was meant for? is this where i want to be? was i happy before, and would i be happier now if i were that way? i wish i could remember. i never realized how true it was when they said that it was lonely at the top. i guess i never thought i would make it there to find out.

perhaps maybe its best that i never planned for this, and that's why i've come here. i just wonder if i will ever stop feeling so out of place with it.




"It is a curious thing, Harry, but perhaps those who are best suited to power are those who have never sought it. Those who, like you, have leadership thrust upon them, and take up the mantle because they must, and find to their own surprise that they wear it well." - Albus Dumbledore

I wish you could have been there for the sun & the rain & the long, hard hills. For the sound of a thousand conversations scattered along the road...

For the people laughing & crying & remembering at the end. But, mainly, I wish you could have been there.

I guess I'm sortof on a storypeople kick lately, but they seem to speaking to me a lot these days. oh well, what can ya do?

its funny in life how we lose people along the way. i guess its normal, but it does kinda suck, right? well, sometimes i mean. sometimes we need to lose people because of who they become or who we become. somebody stops needing the other for their happiness or well being or whatever and when it gets to that point, well, then its better left behind.

you can give a year to someone, a whole year of your life to them, and in the end its like it never even happened. as if that period of time was just cut from the thread and the ends patched themselves together to cover the loss.

the person i spent that year with doesn't exist anymore. they're not dead, i mean, the body is still there, but the person he was, that's gone. perhaps its easier that way when people leave. you miss them, but at least there's not the lurking possibility that you can bring them back. Then you don't waste time hanging around waiting.

sometimes i wonder if there's even a point in being sad about it. not that it brings me down or anything, its not like i think about it all the time, but it does make me sad. for him, and for us. for what we went through together and the fact that it was all for nothing. and i mourn for the loss of who he was before. i mourn for the loss of what we had. i mourn for the loss he feels. and i mourn for the things he denies himself.


I'd like to tell you that you deserve better than what you're looking for
That you have it in you to move past this
That you'll feel better if you learn to be alone
That you should give yourself time
That you will find someone who could love you if you stop looking
If you would only be someone that someone would want to love.

she carries a lot of suitcases but all of them are empty because she's expecting to completely fill them with life by the end of this trip

and then she'll come home and sort everything out and do it all again.

oh, i am so ready to be on the move again.

is it a bad thing that i get out of sorts after being in one place for a month?

sigh. what can you do? he said to me that no human being belongs in one place without change. i hope he's right, otherwise i'm just the crazy girl living out of a backpack. not that that would be so bad.....

i guess some of us just aren't meant to stay.


i'd like to skip around the world
watch a new life get unfurled
see somethings i've never seen
go somewheres i've never been
i'd fly myself so way ups high
look down below from the night sky
i'd sail across the deep blue sea
find everything inside of me
and then i'd skip back round someday
to sleep neath trees at home in May.

To whom much is given....

i've been realizing some things about myself lately, and why i feel so conflicted about the choices many of my friends make for their lives. to go to college, grow up, try to find a job you like and a person that loves you, get married, have a family, and then retire. to only seek to have the life that makes you happy. but is that enough?

no.

well, not in my opinion at least. me, i have to do something not only that makes me happy, but that betters the world and the people around me. is it too much to demand this of myself, and expect it of others?

i don't think so.

"to whom much is given, of him much more will be required, and to whom much was entrusted, much more will be demanded." luke 12:48

it reminds me of what was said to me at a recent function of an honor society. "go and ponder what you can still give, while there is still time." kindof a shocking comment, when you are surrounded by some of the best and brightest of this university's leaders who have already given so much to the community. yet we are not finished yet. we will never be finished. so you do your few weeks of mission work abroad one summer, maybe a year of service after you graduate, and then you get to spend the rest of your life selfishly planning for your own benefit? is that how it works?

no.

call me a socialist, but if you are given the opportunity of a college education, you should be doing more with it than just working to support your own happy life, raising a family and sitting on your wealth.

we are blessed not to bless ourselves, but that we might bless others through our lives and work.

in memoriam....

sometimes you take a moment, look back and say, "wow.....remember how happy I was then?" almost as if it were a dream, never real. but happiness comes and goes. love comes and goes. and eventually you find that the things that brought you happiness don't anymore, and new ones do. if you cling to what was before, you make yourself miserable. so you let go and move forward, into a life that's brilliant and beautiful and new and full of the all things you'd lost along the way before. only there's a sadness. its strange and bittersweet in its own way, with pain and beauty and loss and triumph mingled together, and you can't get around it. your life will be just as you wanted it, hoped for it to be, but......what about theirs? maybe that's not your concern or your problem, but once, they mattered to you. once, your life was intertwined with theirs. once, you loved them.

it's a hard thing to remember. but it's true.