another year, more questions. with so many paths to choose from, how do you decide? some people would tell me to pray about and see where g-d leads me. but what about free will? i guess i feel that most people who try to divine g-d's will ultimately end up doing just what they want to do and then claiming divine providence, just like the kings of england. so then the question is, what do i really want to do?
i've been hooked on one path lately and i can't quite figure out how it happened. maybe i do love the competition, the thrill of it all, throwing everything at a shot to get in. no reward without risk. could i find that elsewhere? again i am competing with my own mediocrity, at least i feel so. yet i look at my resume from undergrad and it tells a different story, at least on paper. but what was that story really? titles i was only half committed to, honors i didn't fully deserve and internships i did the very minimum for. i suppose my recommenders would tell a different story of me, which is perhaps why i worry so much.
i always looked back at high school and wished i'd been better—at school, at the arts, at extracurriculars. i swore i'd do better this time. and on paper, it looks like i did. but in reality, i guess i didn't really learn. even at work now, where i feel i do a good job at the mechanics of it—meeting the deadlines, keeping people happy—i don't go above and beyond. i only know what's going on in the world if someone tells me. i don't know who the ceo of x company is unless we've talked about them half a dozen times.
he and i are so different in this way. where people see him as less motivated by comparison and me as the overachiever, it really is the opposite. he reads and thinks more deeply about things than i probably ever will, yet he can't always put that to use because he doesn't fight for the opportunities to do so. i, on the other hand, am all fight and no follow-through. is that revelation supposed to tell me that i shouldn't go back to school, or that going back is the perfect way to change this? or is it just that i will never be content with myself?
