status update: in transit.
every time it seems i think i have what i want my life to be figured out, the road turns. there was the bounce between places until 'm thirty, then marry somebody cool and bounce around with him plan. then there was the bounce around for a couple years, go to law school, get married, enter real life plan. then there was the graduate and immediately start real life, do the whole young professional thing, marry the boy in a couple years, grad school somewhere down there plan. and suddenly i don't know what i want.
i always said i would love this time because the whole world was open. he and i agreed we would go our separate ways for a while, and figure out the future as it happened. when did i suddenly start wanting to settle right now? is that really what i want, to have the suit and the perfect resume to get my perfect job and start life now so i have this incredibly career before i'm thirty?
the conflict between my ambition and desire for exploration seems to be ever increasing these days.
sometimes i'm almost jealous of those people who always know what they want from life and never question it. even if that thing they want is to get married and have babies right out of high school/college. sigh. it must be easy to live like that.
i feel like i'm where i was four years ago, where everyone knew where they were going and what they were doing months before i did. watching the people who applied to one school and had everything figured out in october while i was still sitting around in april making pro/con lists. but, in the end i made the right choice, and I don't know that any of them had a comparable college experience to mine. maybe my life will be the same way. i guess the struggle is that i've spent the last four years being so directed with everything i do, knowing what i want and working for it. wanting to go to alaska and then making it happen. then the same with israel. yet despite all the changes in the last four years, here i am again, indecisive and unguided. i always feel like i'm a completely different person than i was when i got here, but now I wonder, have i really changed at all?
